Effort is more important than achievement.
In a world that rewards results, it can be difficult to praise yourself for stepping up and trying when you fail at a new endeavor. The paradox is that the more you pat yourself on the back for trying vs. succeeding, the more you’ll succeed.
Case in point.
When I was a kid I was afraid to try physical things – sports, gymnastics. Saying gymnastics is misleading; I was afraid to try a cartwheel. Afraid I’d fail, afraid I’d get hurt, afraid I’d look stupid. Without trying, I obviously never learned how to do a cartwheel.
Several years ago I started doing yoga. As I advanced in my practice the classes I attended included more challenging poses. Some, like a handstand, brought back all my childhood fears. I didn’t want to try a handstand and wanted to use the excuse that now I was too old to do it. But I couldn’t do that to myself, not again. So I kept making the effort. I failed repeatedly. I was embarrassed that my attempts of kicking up into a handstand looked so ridiculous (at least that’s how I imagined it looked). But I kept on trying. It helped that other people in the class were supportive of my efforts. With a focus on efforts I eventually achieved the result I wanted – a handstand.
Not A Perfect Handstand
Joy in the effort.
I love my handstands. They make me feel good, strong, but don’t think they’re “perfect”.
1. They’re not in the middle of the room; in other words my feet are touching a wall. I pull my feet off some times and am balancing on my own for longer periods but, as of today, I can’t do a handstand without the help of a wall.
2. I kick up into the handstand as opposed to pull myself up with my abs (press up handstand) and I’m not going to work on being able to do that.
~ Learning when to disengage from a goal is valuable. If the benefit is not worth the cost then be willing to quit. It’s a myth that winners never quit or that quitters never win. Discerning the difference can be difficult. Talk with a trusted friend or a mentor about quitting to help determine if it’s a healthy decision or if it’s limited, fearful thinking that makes you want to quit trying.
3. I remain in the handstand for only a couple of minutes.
So the goal you attain does not have to be perfect. (And who’s defining what’s perfect anyway?) For instance, your blog post doesn’t have to be perfect. There’s always, and I do think always, more editing that could be done on any written product. If someone else reads a draft of your post, they’d choose to say something differently than you would and could suggest an edit. Therefore, if you needed a blog post to be “perfect” or edit-free you would never publish a post.
Combat perfectionism.
If you’re having difficulty taking the necessary steps to achieve your dream of writing a book or getting a promotion or starting a business or meeting a new man or woman, it may be perfectionism – fear of making a mistake or looking stupid – that’s holding you back.
To get you over the fear and consequences of making a mistake you can do this.
1. Pick something relatively easy to do, like sign up for a Saturday workshop on painting or blowing glass. Or commit to write a blog post that you’ll only send to friends and mentors. Whatever you choose, it needs to be something you think you’re not good at.
2. Then follow through and take the class or write the post. In other words, take action on whatever it is you chose to do that you think you won’t be good at.
3. Upon completion, talk about the experience with a trusted friend or journal about it. What were your thoughts? How did you feel when you began – any knots in your stomach or clenched teeth? How did you feel at the end? Still anxious? Or pleased with yourself for following through? Did the world end even if you didn’t do very well? Did you have fun when you took the pressure off yourself that you could only do things you were good at the first time?
From me to you: Congratulations on trying something new and doing something you weren’t good at. It’s fun learning to relax and feeling joy in the effort. Now take your learnings and apply them to other aspects of your life. It will be worth it.
activity adapted from Raising Happiness by Christine Carter, Ph.D.
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As a teacher, I applaud your approach! American education is SO focused on product that we lose the value of attempting a task and, more important, the process of learning. We all crow about creating “lifetime learners” but produce “lifetime achievers”. Teaching to the test is downplayed but students and teachers are judged by test scores. The mixed messages and skewed priorities are what should be addressed when revamping our educational system.
Thanks for suggesting a process for individuals to use to surmount this failing. I will try it myself when faced with learning new technologies at my age!!
Thanks for the support. It is difficult in the education system not to focus on test scores and grades especially when those are some of the measures colleges look at to determine acceptance or rejection. But as you point out, we are not creating lifelong learners that way, at least not encouraging learning in areas that we don’t or won’t necessarily excel.
Cherry
Agree with this, Cherry. I think it’s especially hard for those of us who are naturally ambitious and over-achievers. I still battle the “if I can’t win I won’t play” thinking.
One of my biggest complaints about the personal development space on the internet is the focus on domination and being “the best.” It’s sounds great at face value, but when the goal is so high, I think most never even try. How much better to make the goal, “go and do well.”
Thanks Jen and I agree with you. It is hard to play if you can’t win. I sometimes wonder how many opportunities for enjoyment I’ve missed because “I can’t take a painting class, I can’t paint.”
Good new mantra: go and do well Jen, Cherry
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Hi Cherry – Loved this post….I do yoga, and I have yet to be able to do a handstand, I try to kick up, but it just doesnt work as of yet!
But I am inspired by your success!
I did something that I was afraid to do…REALLY afraid to do.
I declared that I was going to do a live chat on BlogFrog on Wednesday 2/16/ at 11AM EST on Mothering & Depression. Well, no one has signed up! Oh, well, you know what ?? So what ?? it was the first time and maybe next time will be better!
lol!
K
This is great, Cherry. It reminds us to do things for their discovery value v. their achievement , the narcisstic, competitive, or egoistic value. You remind us to try things because learning is fun, that we’ll be better than some and worse than others. It just matters to keep experiencing. Like you said, those experiences add up. Thanks for a great feeling post. ~Dawn
THanks Dawn. Learning is so much fun and, yet, can be scary if we’re worried about failing. Cherry
Thanks – so encouraging and so true!
You’re welcome Irene. I’m glad it was encouraging. Cherry
Hi Cherry-
Not to be the rebel in the comment box, but I was never plagued with the ‘perfection’ bug. I was the kid rockin’ the ‘slacker-but-not really,’ vibe.
Nonetheless, I appreciate your acknowledgement about how difficult the ingrained ideal to ‘do it right, or not at all.’
I completely agree, hard work is where it’s at-no matter the endeavor. Perfectionism be-damned.
Keep on with those headstands:).
Linda,
Lucky you to not have been plagued with the “requirement” of perfectionism. Thanks for stopping by and sharing a different experience. Cherry
Although you didn’t say it in these words, I agree that so much of what holds people back is their head trash. We program ourselves ‘into’ things and ‘out’ of things based on the amount of difficulty we find in it. I read once where the only fear human beings are born with is falling. The only fear we are actually born with is falling which means EVERYTHING else we fear, we have developed ourselves.
That also means, we have the ability to overcome it.
Like Linda, I have never been a perfectionist either. I like to try things to see if I can do them and once they are accomplished I lose interest. For example I changed my own oil – once. I ran a 5K – once. Etc. For almost all things in life 80% is just fine. It gets the job done. But then you hear those things about the difference between good and great is that last 10%. That’s a stickler for me.
Anywho… my favorite part of this post was the permission to quit. I think a lot of people are hard on themselves and beat their head against a wall until it’s bloody because they are afraid to quit. My feeling is that getting a bloody head is pretty stupid and that learning when to let go is a underappreciated skill. I know it’s been a tough one for me to learn…