photo by VA Zanne, Flickr
Bad day for me. I took Borellia for my Lyme disease last night and I feel lousy today.
A ripple effect for me of feeling lousy physically is heightened emotional sensitivity. That played out for me today when I was triggered into sadness and crying by not being chosen for something I wanted. It launched me back into high school gym class.
I can still recall each time it happened. The scenarios were essentially the same each time: we were going to play softball (or some game). The girls who were cheerleaders and in intramural sports were consistently assigned to be the captains – the ones who would decide the rest of the girls’ fate based on popularity first and softball second.
There we would be lined up in our salmon colored one piece balloon legged gymsuits staring at the captains (or the floor, depending on our level of shame for not being popular or good at sports) with our tongues hanging out, our paws up in the air, each of us hoping upon hope that we wouldn’t be the last one chosen. It was demoralizing. I still hate myself for allowing the sychophant in me to come out; flattering and fawning over the captains in my gratitude when I was chosen somewhere in the middle of the picks. Believe me you won’t see that behavior in me anymore, no matter what it might cost me.
I don’t buy that this was preparing me for the reality of life where competition is normal and there are winners and losers. That’s just the excuse given by the captains and early-chosen ones who enjoyed being in a superior position. It was a sanctioned form of bullying by the gym teacher who looked more like an ugly prison guard than a Barbie doll. My bet is she was bullied in her life so now we were going to suffer too.
The teenage years with zits, and hormones and wide-spread insecurites are hard enough without sanctioning a process that makes kids stand out as losers. Because no matter how you cut the cake, the ones chosen last were considered losers in every other aspect of teenage life. Did it really have to happen again in gym class for a softball game that was supposed to be fun and get us outside and exercising? There are so many kinder ways to divide up the teams for a game who’s purpose was not about competitive softball.
The “losers” already know they are labeled as losers. Did they need their faces rubbed in it? I knew I was not good at softball and I knew I wasn’t part of the high school elite; gym class’s game selection process was not giving me a life lesson I didn’t already know. All those line-ups did was make me feel worse about myself. So I learned to lie because I’d do anything to miss being humiliated in gym class. I said I had menstrual cramps several times a month. I was also willing to take the consequences that came with cutting class. At least I was in control of my destiny, not the gym teacher, not the girls who were chosen as captains.
So please, tell me how that taught me a valuable life lesson.
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Gym class – the ultimate hell… Gym class was full of useful life lessons like: finding useful ways to lie to avoid being the last one chosen, how to hurl balls at each others’ heads (dodgeball), and how to stand in the very back of the softball outfield to avoid getting nailed by a flying object. Without those useful skills, where would we be today? :)
I hate to agree with you but I do Katie. The reason I hate to agree is because I do think kids need a break from the classroom and a way to expend their energy. Movement is so good for all of us. Cherry
ps – actually I liked dodgeball.
I shared the same experience but on the other side. Then I wrote about it on the 3rd page of my book as the start of a look at what success really means.
I wrote: “As a preadolescent, I saw success as having the captain choose me over others. I still think about those girls picked last and wonder how they would have defined success on that day–maybe it was just surviving the discomfort of the moment, not being the very last one chosen, or managing their hurt with dignity. If anything has stuck with me from this experience, it’s this: It is generally better to be in a position to choose than to be chosen.” Your post paints a strong picture and affirms the importance of taking charge of our lives in spite of the challenges. Thanks for a moving piece, ~Dawn
I do think we have to take charge of our life despite the challenges. Totally agree. The reality is that I, or anyone, will never always be the chooser. That being said I think that high school gym teachers and well as leaders in business have to look at the methods they set up to deal with their students/employees. In the example I gave the students move on to another class, their attitude doesn’t matter but with an employee it does. So a leader needs to look at the internal competition s/he is setting up within the department or business and be aware of the ripple affects. Too often a leader thinks that internal competition will spur employees to better performance when instead it breeds conflict and an unwillingness to share information and in some people a sense of giving up because in competition there will always be losers. In ranking their will always be someone on the bottom. EVen if you fire the ones at the bottom and hire new people, once ranking occurs there are just new people at the bottom.
I never thought about it this way. I am so happy right now that we didn’t have to pick teams like that – I bet you’re pretty much spot on in your assessment of the gym teacher. I know I would have most certainly been picked, if not dead last, somewhere in the low middle. That sort of behavior is not teaching any valuable or life-affirming lessons. So sad.
Hey Mrs. Jen,
It is sad. I learned no positive lessons from that experience. Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting. I hope to hear from you again, Cherry