Can be found & purchased at www.feelingfacescards.com
Emotions are an essential part of our thinking ability and not just something extra that mucks up our thinking.
~Dr. Edward de Bono
Did you need to read that today?
I know I did.
Central to attaining your dreams and goals is being yourself and “yourself” includes emotional and intellectual components. The “emotions’ propaganda” most children are taught includes the messages:
- not to argue or fight
- not to cry
However, it is not in your best interests or in society’s best interests to stuff your feelings.
1. The non-sense of “Don’t Argue”
When my children were young, hearing them argue with each other or having them arguing with me was often wearing and, I thought, counterproductive for getting things done. Having employees who disagreed with the group or took the part of devil’s advocate was also tiring. Meetings lasted longer because of their behavior/input and, I thought, kept me from actively checking things off my To-do List.
Thank goodness I grew older and wiser.
At first glance, stopping the argument/discussion/debate appears to be the sensible and logical path in order to provide time for more [supposedly] productive activities. However, nipping the emotion of anger in the bud, more often than not, also means (a) stopping healthy disagreement; (b) loosing the opportunity to hear another viewpoint; (c) not learning how to deal with confrontation; and (d) not allowing others to speak up for themselves.
The inspiring full-bloom of ideas that are lost by nipping off these actions include:
- A full-color worldview of an issue, which is created by listening to and considering opposing and differing viewpoints
- Children and employees who don’t learn that it’s OK – even good - to speak up; that it’s OK to disagree. Allowing others to express their opinions creates trust, a more honest environment and a sense of being valuable.
- It’s also healthy to learn and understand that your viewpoint is not always right. It’s a subjective truth or perception rather than an objective truth. Ask yourself as a leader: is it possible that you’re labeling someone as a contrarian simply because s/he has a different viewpoint than you?
- An expanded acceptance of differences in people. For example, are you labeling someone an angry person because they’re passionately vocal about their viewpoint and therefore ignoring other facets and abilities of her or him?
2. Stop crying
The culture in the United States is very anti-crying. Crying is labeled as babyish, weak, manipulative, and inappropriate. In fact, I think the only time crying is generally accepted, after about 15 months of age – and even then only for a certain amount of time – is when someone close to you dies. However…
- …the emotion of crying is real. If the person hearing you or I or someone else cry feels manipulated that’s the listener’s “stuff” that arises because they’re uncomfortable with crying. Their discomfort does not ipso facto mean the person crying is being manipulative.
- I say stop the insanity. Stop making people think they have to suck up their emotions – that it’s only the rational mind that matters. Crying provides a [stress] release and often occurs when you don’t have the words for what you’re feeling.
- Most of the time when I use to cry it was because I was afraid to say what I was thinking. It was a non-verbal way of getting out of me what I was holding in.
- People don’t want to feel vulnerable. They also don’t want to see your crying/vulnerability because it can set off their mirror neurons and they then feel what you’re feeling.
Quashing part of your humanity – feelings – is denying a large part of who you are. It’s not authentic. It’s also tantamount to holding a ball under water – after a while the pressure builds up and the ball [or your emotions] shoot up through the air, totally out-of-your-control.
Brene Brown’s TedxKC talk on The Price of Invulnerability is well worth the 15 minutes of your time to better understand the costs of trying to be invulnerable or how sucking up your emotions mucks up your life.
I would love to get to know you! Join me on 
I definitely needed to hear it today! Thank you very much. I am uncomfortable crying in front of others, but am fine with others crying. Weird.
I hadn’t considered that my asking my kids to stop their incessant arguing was the same as having my idea or devil’s advocate message squashed in a meeting. Definitely something to think about…
Daria,
Although I did make it sound as if their arguing was the same as having your idea quashed in a meeting, there are differences. To me, it’s in the message you or I am sending – that disagreements are inherently bad, or trying to get what you want from your sibling is bad. At this moment I cannot think of a better way to express my meaning. Will have to get back to you Daria. Cherry
Wow, Cherry–this one brought up a lot of emotions in me.
I agree w the majority of your points, especially the need to let the argument go for a while to see where it’s going, and to teach ppl how to problem-solve. Also, we can never assume that our position is the correct one, even if we are the boss.
Now, the crying thing….hmmm. I’ve seen too many mothers cry during school meetings when their child was misbehaving (I’m talking teen children, mostly). Additionally, I’ve listened to many a social work intern over the years, voice their frustration that psychological intakes “take so long, because she kept crying.” Sometimes, crying is a more socially acceptable way of saying “f-off, leave me alone. I’m not going to answer your questions, nor do what you are offering to change my child’s behavior…” Sometimes ppl use tears to stonewall another person.
Is crying healthy? Yes. Tears also produce calming chemicals. We all need a good cry now and then. It breaks my heart s when my son stifles his tears…We really do a disservice to males in our society on the crying theme.
I guess it’s important to look at the context of the crying. A healthy emotional release that is genuine vs. an automatic response to avoid talking about an issue. And we all have issues…
Sorry for the rambling:).
Now I have to think about what you wrote. Stonewalling, f-off. Whoa, we have a really different take on why parents of teenagers are doing that. A sense of powerlessness, dreams lost, job “failed”, frustration, anger, hopelessness.
Is it frustrating to the teacher – yes. Is it frustrating to the intake person – yes. But stonewalling by the crier- doubtful – is my opinion & experience.
Intake workers have to deal with emotions constantly, it must get wearing and frustrating. I would think they would have to build a wall around them to not get sucked into the roller coaster ride of reactions they’re dealing with. My radar would be set off by a worker who I knew did not want to deal with my emotions (as understandable as it may be in a bigger picture), which would not help me to calm down. Perhaps get angry but I’m sure they don’t want to hear that either. Maybe they need to get a job in a bank.
Been scanning the memory banks for manipulative intake crying (LOL) and yes I am remembering this does happen with certain types of people…such as ppl dealing with addictions BPD can be very manipulative, but in private practice I dont deal with that so much anymore… thank goodness
I get frustrated by the all-or -nothing thinking that can go with crying. People’s emotions are too often dismissed because it comes in the form of tears. I understand that if I’m crying for an hour at work or crying on a regular basis at my job that I need to learn another way of dealing with the emotions that I feel that are bringing about the crying. But I don’t want someone to be written off as just using their tears or crazy or unfixable. Why are we less accepting of crying than yelling ?
To me, it’s food for thought to look at why reactions to crying or tears or even puddling up is typically so negative. I think it speaks volumes.
Love this post. I TOTALLY agree that the listener/viewer of the tears brings up their crud.
I tend to both accept a crier and not allow them to derail what needs to happen. So if I were watching a parent cry, I would not take it as “f-off” and stonewalling. I ‘d let it go and then keep on talking!!! lol
But then again I dislike passive-aggressiveness and don’t allow myself to get pulled into someone elses’s super-drama at the expense of dealing with someone that NEEDS to be talked about. (Like in that case of a parent NEEDING to hear something about their teen.)
My worry as a therapist is not overly empathy crying. Darn those mirror neurons ;)
Thanks Elizabeth for your input.
I would also prefer for people to be direct in their emotions rather than passive-aggressive. That can be crazy-making for me.
Another fascinating post, Cherry. I was particularly taken by this bullet:
■”Most of the time when I use to cry it was because I was afraid to say what I was thinking. It was a non-verbal way of getting out of me what I was holding in. ‘
My experience is different but similar. When I am so angry and/or frustrated by something some says in an all-or-nothing, absolute way, that clearly rejects any interest or consideration for another viewpoint, I have been brought to tears of over-the-top frustration with my inability to counter.
I marvel at people who have the ability to argue effectively, suspending or channeling emotion in order to, yes, fight! Thanks for this thought-provoking post. ~Dawn
Thanks for sharing what happens to you. That is similar to what use to happen to me; actually it can still happen but not with any regularity. Cherry
Wow, LOVED this post. It is TRULY great! I think I am going to print it out and keep it in my office! I have ppl who come who are ashamed that they got ballistic angry at (fill in the blank) after being manipulated & picked on & feeling that they had to keep quiet in order to be reasonable or b/c they couldn’t think quick enuf to defend themselves in the moment (something I have trouble with) and they finally blurt out some truth via anger, so they come in, feeling ashamed like they did something bad. Oh brother!
Nothing wrong with telling someone STOP STEPPING ON MY TOES, DUDE!
So this was timely for me. The thing I always had trouble with when I was at a corporate job was that I used to cry more easily when I was younger when I was upset and that really blew my credibility ! I dont do that so much anymore.
I think tears are healing and are not good to keep inside there, getting all toxic & mucked up! I have not felt manipulated by my clts tears, really, ever. I’m trying hard to scan for this memory, but I have no memory of it at all. What does happen in couples counseling often I find is that the less powerful partner (often but not always the woman) cries as she not able to be effectively assertive, and doesnt have the words to speak up. Well my two cents!