Hey Moms – Do You Let Your Thoughts Become Facts?

First born son and me.

It Began With Mother’s Day Expectations

Sunday began with a breezy, sunny morning. My favorite kind of day. I love to feel the wind massage different parts of my body and the sons sun warm my soul.

Yep, in case that planned Freudian slip wasn’t obvious, this is a story about thoughts about my sons. However, Mother’s Day did begin gloriously and I spent hours working in the yard, planting and transplanting flowers.

Then I came inside and there was no call or text or email from my adult sons wishing me a Happy Mother’s Day. In the interest of full disclosure you should know that my first born is visiting Barcelona for the 1st time in his life and he didn’t take his computer, nor does he have an international phone. My second born was with his 3-year-old daughter and they were supporting his wife in her first Century Cycling Race in NY.  But those disclosures involve rational thoughts. Mine were more ridiculous thoughts like:

• GOOD children contact or spend time with their mothers on Mother’s day.
• EVERY  other mother is being visited by their children or spending hours in relaxing, yet stimulating, conversation on the phone with them.
• My sons love me but they NEVER think about me.
• I should have NEVER  made them so important in my life because now I’m just a lonely old woman with NOTHING to do.

Reality Makes Its Entrance Into The Story Line

After reading for a few hours I logged into my email and, YES!, there a message from Seth: “You must still be enjoying mother’s day.” Then information about what he’s doing in Spain and in conclusion: “I’m glad you’re mi madre.”

Needless to say wonderful words to read and another valuable lesson in the danger of believing the negative all-or-nothing thoughts that run through your/my head. When will I learn?

But what I don’t need or want to do now is to beat myself up for being human and sometimes having irrational thoughts. Skip the “When will I learn?” garbage. The important thing is I remembered and do know that Seth loves me, knows Mother’s Day is important to me and the only reason he wouldn’t contact me is if he couldn’t. Whew. One down and one to go.

Planning On Disappearing Into The Rain Forest

As time passed and no word from second son:

• He has a phone.
• He could call or text or email when his daughter is napping.
• He has blue tooth & a phone speaker in the car, he could call while driving.

All these things were true, but I need to remember they do not equate with

A son who loves Halloween wouldn't hurt his mother.

“he’s choosing not to call me” for some “he doesn’t care about me” reason. Nor is he obligated to follow the schedule that I want. No one is.

That being said, I still ended up crying and thinking some crazy I’ll live alone in the Rain Forest sort of thoughts but fortunately, not for long. I gave myself permission to just feel the sadness because it was OK that I missed hearing from Aaron. And then I walked outside and watered the plants I’d planted, and went back inside to read a book I was enjoying.

The doorbell rang.

I opened the door and there was second son, a limping daughter-in-law (remember she was on a Century Ride) and my granddaughter surprising me for Mother’s Day on their way back to DC.

Wow. I will never do my best to stay in rational thinking. I will do “The Work-What Would You Be Without Your Story” to remind myself what is real. I will stay steeped in the love of my sons and know that if they don’t contact me on Mother’s Day it’s not about me. <whew>

Feelings & Thoughts Aren’t Facts

Even though our thoughts may be distorted, they create a powerful illusion of truth. Especially if they are habituated thought patterns. But even if we’re aware that the thoughts are distorted or irrational, the feelings that go along with them feel so f*ing real. My crying was real, my sadness was real…wasn’t it? Yes and no. Granted I felt those things but they were the byproduct of the irrational thoughts, not a byproduct of what was real. So just as my or your thoughts aren’t real, neither are the feelings, because feelings come after our thoughts. As Dr. David Burns says mixing up the cause and effect relationship between thoughts and feelings is “mental black magic”.

Take 10 minutes and journal your answer to the following question: How would your life be different if you accepted that some of your thoughts are distorted and that your feelings follow your thoughts rather than thinking that your feelings prove your irrational thoughts?