We Need To Talk About Teen Dating Violence

“The incipience of abuse is not fully detectable; hooks are planted so deeply in your skin that your body adjusts to the feel of them. Derrick made me believe I was his anchor to the world, that somehow if I were to vanish, so would he.”

These lines in the introduction to Elin Stebbins Waldal’s book Tornado Warning – A Memoir of Teen Dating Violence and Its Effect On a Woman’s Life, gripped me and I knew then that the book would be:

• powerful
• visceral
• full of insights and lessons
• uncomfortable to read.

My Recommendation

Tornado Warning is a book I’d recommend for every parent, sibling and friend of a girl or woman and of a boy or man. In other words, I’d recommend this book to everyone to increase their insights about the insidious nature of violence and abusive relationships. Too many people think that violent relationships only happen to the other gal or guy, in part because they believe that they would walk out of an abusive relationship. They believe they would never stay in it as long as Elin did. Some wouldn’t, that’s true. But many more of you would – I did – because as is explained so well in the book, before the violence begins, there’s the steady, pounding verbal drumbeats of:

BOOM – You’re wonderful. I love you so much, I want to be with you all the time.

BOOM – You’re so stupid, I can’t believe you did that. You think you know it all but you don’t.

Inside The Book

Elin tells her very personal story through two voices: the voice of the teenager that entered into a three year abusive relationship and the voice of the mature woman, wife, mother and advocate she is today. The reader feels the scary reality of the irrepressible teenage enthusiasm for love turn flat and despondent;

juxtaposed with the healed, forgiving adult who remains vigilant in her concern for her own children’s relationships. That’s part of the powerful teaching that Elin gives us, the awareness that violence in a relationship can happen to the best of families.

I was hooked on the book from the beginning, quickly moving from one page to the next until I was overwhelmed with the emotions of young-Elin’s abuse riddled experience. I needed a rest from the turmoil, one that Elin was not to take for a few years.

Scattered throughout the book are reminiscences of Elin’s childhood. It seemed as if she was searching for the “why did I get myself into this relationship”. I think we all do that. We want a causal factor or boxed set of factors as to why something horrific occurs to us or another person. In reality, the factors we latch onto are too simplistic; for there are a multitude of factors and interactions too complex to understand and identify. Maybe it just happened.  I think we search for “the” causation because it makes us feel more in control. “Oh that happened because her father traveled a lot.” And because our kids’ father doesn’t travel a lot we believe it won’t/can’t happen to our children.

Preventative Measures

Buy and read Tornado Warning A Memoir of Teen Dating Violence and Its Effect on a Woman’s Life. Pay attention to the early warning signs of dating abuse. Read Elin’s blog, keep yourself and those that you love informed about dating abuse. Tell them, as in my case, that just because your parents know the boy’s parents, or just because he’s cute and drives a sports car and buys you presents and tells you your eyes are the color of the waters off Okinawa doesn’t mean he won’t hit you. And just because he’s totally remorseful doesn’t mean he won’t do it again. Or that it won’t escalate.

Thank you Elin for your honesty and I’m so glad you found your voice.