Beware of the stories you tell yourself about why your biz relationships aren’t working the way you want them to.
image from quotecounterquote.com
You may be telling fairy tales.
Opening Scene
I had a job writing grants. Barb was my counterpart – she also wrote grants. We both worked for Gail.
I had a question and I went to Gail’s office, peeked inside and politely asked if it was a good time for her to talk to me. She said no it wasn’t. I went back to my desk.
A little while later I saw Barb head to Gail’s office with a question and end up talking with Gail and having her questions answered.
When this pattern repeated itself several times, I started to make-up stories (a.k.a assumptions) as to why Gail was saying “no” to me and “yes” to Barb.
Storytime
- “Gail’s playing favorites.”
- “She likes Barb more than me because Barb always agrees with her at staff meetings.”
- “Gail’s probably mad at me because I had to stay home with a sick child last week.” (My guilt-point and I knew Barb’s children were grown.)
Then I’d take my stories and frustrated feelings to lunch with me and share them with a good friend. She’d commiserate with me and agree that Gail wasn’t treating me fairly. Now my stories took on a life of their own. My friend had agreed with my assessment so they had to be real. I felt justified in not being as open and friendly in the workplace – after all, it wasn’t really “safe” to be myself.
The Fairy Tale Exposed
In time, I didn’t like the way I was behaving and I definitely didn’t like the way my negative thoughts were making me feel. I made an appointment with Gail where I asked her why she took the time to see Barb and answer her questions but when I asked her for time she said “no”.
Gail smiled and said “because you come to my office and ask if it’s a good time for me to be interrupted and talk with you. The answer is almost always going to be no. I’m really busy, there’s rarely a good time. When Barb comes to my office she just walks in and says she has a question and initiates a conversation.
Happy Ending
After that meeting I gave up the negative mindset I’d created and started dealing with Gail differently, more directly. My questions were answered. Our relationship improved. Peace and happiness reigned in the kingdom.
I was lucky to have these Aha moment early in my career, in my life:
~ Recognition of how easy it was to jump to false conclusions
~ Understanding the danger of assumptions
~ Learning how guilt (as a single parent I had to take off work when my sons were sick) played into the stories I created
~ My mindset is not The Truth. It is what I believe, but that’s not necessarily based on all the facts.
I’m putting together an exciting new offering related to understanding the stories you tell yourself and changing your mindset. So if you’re ready to end negative thinking, feel better about yourself and see options, check back here in a couple weeks.
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It is so easy to make all facts fit a conclusion that you’ve already made! There are so many times I used to see this at work it was scary. Many people were unwilling to hear the other side if I didn’t commiserate with them.
It’s definitely hard to not tell yourself stories about events (people like stories), but it’s important to recognize that it might just be a story.
So true Aaron. So true. Nice to see one of your valuable comments here, it’s been a while.
Can’t say I think much of Gail for other reasons. Her comment, “When Barb comes to my office she just walks in and says she has a question and initiates a conversation,” speaks volumes about her leadership style. She accepts being interrupted with Barb’s questions but feels no obligation to get back to you, an employee showing respect for her time. What’s that all about? Egad.
Kudos to you for tossing off those stories in your head and going to the source with your question about being put off. Seems like you learned more about Gail than you’d bargained for. ~Dawn
Dawn,
What Gail did definitely spoke about her leadership style but, as you know, it wasn’t about me. I had to learn how to work with that style and not taking it personally.
This is a great lesson for a lot of reasons. I’m so glad Dawn made her comment, because I was starting to second myself. It’s common courtesy to ask someone for permission to “cut” into their time, yet based on the response of 1 person, I was getting ready to through what I know is right (courtesy) out the window based on this story.
Part of the lesson is know when you are doing the right thing and stick with it; know the person you’re dealing with–their personality and style (or lack of), and don’t over think their response, but match it up with their “style”. Next address the response at the moment–I understand you don’t have time now, when would be a good time? Personally, I’ve spent way too much time “mulling” over and over in my brain a comment or response and what it could possibly mean–resulting in a fractured fairy tale of my own making, that could set me into a tailspin for the better part of a day.
You are so right, Cherry, mindset is huge! And I’m looking forward to your upcoming workshop that will help with the “stinkin’ thinking” so to speak. ~Pam
Pam,
Mindset is the foundation for all we do; often times we don’t even now the belief/paradigm (mindset) that’s motivating our actions because our actions have become automatic.
Definitely, personality and style have a lot to do with it. As I said to Dawn, I was not advocating Dottie’s style as an example of good leadership but I had to learn to deal with what she “offered”.
Chery
The stories we tell about ourselves are meaning-making. By reconstructing our stories and telling more preferred versions we change the meaning. (Narrative Therapy)
Great initiative to ask your boss straight out. I don’t like her style either, but you dealt with her. I remember being told no too and I must say I took it hard. The job didn’t last long after that. I must admit that my story had to do with how much I missed working in Denmark and how impossible the work conditions are here in the US. The questions is what I could use a story like that for. Well, I am my own boss now, but I miss working with others. So the question becomes:”what stories do I prefer and do they fit with my goals?”
Great post!
Thanks Irene. Sorry to hear your work experience in the US wasn’t nearly as positive as it was for you in Denmark. That had (has) to be really difficult.
There are advantages to being your own boss but one of the major disadvantage, especially in your field, in that you don’t get to work with colleagues and have that kind of daily support and interaction.
Thanks for providing the name “narrative therapy”. I’ll check that out. Cherry
Hi – Glad that Dawn already said what I was thinking…geez, was Gail raised in a barn? (hell, no – b/c then shed’ve learned more about subtle social cues from the warmblooded social animals who inhabit a barn!)
Anyway – glad you worked out for yourself what you needed to do to upwardly manage Gail…wonder what she’s like to live with! egad!
I don’t think living with her was fun, but who knows?
Thanks for the comment Kathy and, as you know, I had to learn to make the situation work for me; my boss wasn’t going to change and it wasn’t my job to try. Cherry