Mornings haven’t been good lately.
I struggle, emotionally, to get moving.
I don’t want to get out of bed, so I stay there longer than I normally would. When I do get up, I wander, feeling powerless to do the list of things I want to accomplish.
I have no idea what this malaise is about. Perhaps, the finality of packing and emptying my house for a tenant to move in to January 10th. Perhaps, unconsciously I’m thinking that the new tenants have a year long lease and I can’t come home even if I want to.
Perhaps, it’s nothing about any of that, but rather low blood sugar. But I ate two eggs, and drank my tea over an hour ago.
Perhaps, it’s inhaling a lot of mold and whatever from working in my cave of a basement. Perhaps, it’s the holidays…perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
I need and want to give up perhaps-alysis. That’s an old way of thinking. I need to “do”. Take action. Push myself through the fog and know that I will move beyond the fog even if I don’t know its cause. Eventually, if the malaise continues, I’ll choose to sit with it. I’ll probably use TAT (Tapas Acupressure Technique), which is based on acupuncture & meridian points, to get the flow of information moving and integrated in the brain. But when I feel lousy, it takes me awhile to want to sit with my feelings. Instead I want distraction.
I tried a TV show on HULU.com. That wasn’t really working & I felt guilty anyway. Ridiculous to feel guilty over trying something to make myself feel better that is harmless to me. Perhaps on day 35 or so of this project, if I wake up feeling blue, I will feel no guilt over any type of self-care. I’ll set an intention to get to that place.
But now I’m stopping writing and going into the basement. That sounds ominous but it’s actually boring. I have to finish going through the last box of pictures and memorabilia that I’ve carted with me with each move over the last 10-20 years. I’m deciding if I’ll move the stuff again, only to store it in a basement until my next move or my death and my kids throw it out.
Thinking of the memorabilia made another “perhaps” come up. Perhaps, I’m struggling with past memories. Yesterday I read cards I had from an ex-husband telling me all I meant to him and all I gave to him. They were written to me after the marriage ended. Sad. Such loss.
There were cards from a friend who told me how grateful she was for me in her life and that our friendship would never end. But it did end, of a slow drifting apart wrought by life changes. Such a loss.
Now I’m crying wondering if I can hold on to anything, to any relationship. Something to work on in this year of Coming of Age at 62.
Gosh, a lot’s already happened on Day 6 and it’s only 10:19 am.
Thanks for listening. Talk to you again later.
Please write me too. I can listen and would love to hear your story.
I would love to get to know you! Join me on 
The universality of your experiences is palpable. For me optimism and energy are hard to come by in the cold, drear of winter. Imagine how you would feel today with the sun shining, warms temps, birds singing, flowers blooming, and a long languishing ligh-filled day ahead. For me the end of the year is always melancholy or even unsettling…what’s to come for the new year…where will it lead or leave me? Having an existential aspect to our makeup has its assets and liabilities. Time fixes everything because it never stops moving even when we want to. Hang in there, Cherry!
Thanks Dawn. I can forget that my experiences aren’t unique, at least when I’m in the midst of painful feelings. Thanks for the reminder. Cherry
I’ve been where you are, in fact – even this week. Sometimes, every week. And I’m in the midst of my family, day-to-day, still.
Do you think that it’s perhaps our way of knowing that our Soul is Calling us to places and actions and experiences that will require us to let go of many things that are known, comfortable and safe?
I actually no longer feel the same lament about the drifting of relationships. The wisdom in A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime really put that in perspective for me and helped me see and accept that everything (and everyone) has its time, its place, its purpose. The letting go happens on both ends ~ and it’s definitely harder when we’re not the one who decides that it’s time to drift apart – but it’s a natural flow of life nonetheless.
I know I have a growing frustration with not knowing what to do next. I’m no longer a ‘full time Mother’ in the sense that I’m actively needed on a full-time basis. It’s appropriate that I’ve been relegated to part-time status at the moment, ever closer to Consultant and Friend. But what to DO with myself now? How to render significance and meaning in a new way? And how to initiate that and have it allow me to contribute financially too – my inability to figure all THAT out has me spiralling too often.
Sometimes, we just need to say our thoughts out loud. Then, we hear them (or see them written) – acknowledge them … and move on to addressing them and bringing about what we truly desire to feel.
As Dawn said above, you’ll get through this. We all do. It helps me to know that my experience isn’t unique – so thank you for sharing your feelings right now and establishing this deeper connection.
You are a Blessing …
Thank you so much Sally. I appreciate your wisdom.
I remember the days of transition from full time mom to part time mom and a changing interaction with my sons. It was strange, unsettling. I can understand your feelings. Sweetie, you will figure it out, you’re “in-process” now, similar to me but in a different context, as you noted.
You, my friend, are also a blessing. Hugs, Cherry
I know EXACTLY what you mean. As I reflected on how you feel (which is sooo similar to how I have been feeling), I realized that being or feeling “unsettled” is unsettling. And really, that feeling is just another emotion that we “get to” experience. Our emotions don’t stay flat, unfortunately–they go all over the map. I’ve made a decision–Yay! I’m happy! Then the but comes in…have I made the right decision–yuk, confusion. No, I’ve made a mistake–mad and scared and round and round….until, after a period of time we become “settled” again.
As far as relationships go, I think, they all change and evolve, in someway, over time. Not necessarily bad. Some of my best, closest and most loved friends I only see and talk to ocassionally because of where we are in our lives at this time. But they have a place in my heart that is forever sheltered and protected. Other “friends” turned out to be acquaintences that were enjoyed in their time, and we drifted apart, but I’d welcome them if they drifted back. There have been a few that have been consiously let go because they turned out to be toxic, but even some time spent with those folks had memorable moments.
“There were cards from a friend who told me how grateful she was for me in her life and that our friendship would never end. But it did end, of a slow drifting apart wrought by life changes. Such a loss.”
True, I’m sure, but I think nothing can be lost if we truly wish to find it.
Another fabulous post, my friend, and I am so looking forward to another 359 days of “our” coming of age! You “Rock” in my book.
PAM,
YOur words are so true: “I realized that being or feeling “unsettled” is unsettling. And really, that feeling is just another emotion that we “get to” experience.” It’s difficult to accept.
Re: a lost friendship and your words “True, I’m sure, but I think nothing can be lost if we truly wish to find it.” I agree. I loved what she and I had but we both changed, our lives changed and it won’t ever be what it was, nor do I want it to be. Yet, I miss it at times.
hugs my friend, Cherry
Hi Cherry fabulous open post about the trials of transition! Moving house has been cited as one of the most stressful experiences we will ever go through! Even more difficult if other factors come into play – the holidays, down – sizing and all that letting memories go and facing a different type of future! I am a dreadful hoarder and recently got rid of 4000 books – heart breaking!
It will get better and know that you have masses of support!
Thanks for your kind words and support Dorothy. I very much appreciate them.
I also find books difficult to get rid of but am not a hoarder. Wow, 4,000 books, I can see where you would feel heartbroken.
Shedding a tear for you, Cherry
here via someone’s link to you on twitter – i have a feeling you’ll understand when i tell you i cannot remember who it was, though it was just a few moments ago. i will be back.
i know this place where you are standing, sitting, sprawling. so hard to fall into the knowledge that we are our own home; it is a struggle i have dealt with this year, barely accepting it still, though i know it to be true. it takes so little to stop my forward movement, but baby steps count.
and ps – i wrote today about moving through the fog. serendipity.