I had an argument with my son this week. Actually I argued, he remained the ever rational one.
In the context of this blog, the only important part about the argument is what I realized from it. I’m no longer willing to apologize for having emotions. I am a good person who is emotional and I am tired of feeling like a bad person because I am not calm all the time, nor perfect.
Agreed I shouldn’t curse; I shouldn’t scream; I shouldn’t throw things; I shouldn’t name call; and I shouldn’t get physical.
I’ve been criticized most of my life for being a highly sensitive person and for being emotional. And I bought into that criticism hook, line and sinker, thinking I was wrong for letting things upset me and for – god forbid – showing my emotions.
No more. I’m done with feeling or thinking badly about myself for who I am.
If my tone of voice changes, so be it. If I get louder because emotions are coursing through my body, so be it. I know I shouldn’t scream at someone but a change in tone and timbre does not equate to screaming.
No more apologies for getting tears in my eyes or having tears run down my face. If anyone thinks (or, perhaps, feels) that they don’t want to bring something up because I might get upset, it’s their difficulty with dealing with conflict and emotions, not my problem for displaying emotions. I never asked, nor expected, anyone to not be candid with me or give me feedback because it might bother me. I’ll deal with it. Admittedly, I have a harder time with feedback from my family; there’s more baggage, triggers and intricacies there.
Keeping A Beach Ball Under Water
I’ve learned that my trying to quell my emotions and who I really am, is like trying to hold a beach ball under water. After awhile the pressure for release is so great that the ball comes shooting out of the water at tremendous speed. Letting out my feelings on a regular basis and not mindlessly following a bunch of “shoulds”, reduces the pressure and, therefore, their velocity.
I’ve experienced double standards in my lifetime. The very people who tell me I get upset also get upset but manifest it differently and therein lies the rub. The way they manifest their emotions – because they too have emotions, sure as shooting – is not necessarily superior to the way I manifest mine.
Bottom Line For Me
No more guilt about who I am. No more believing that showing emotions is negative. No more apologies for feeling the way I do.
My sensitive nature makes me a powerful player in this world.
My emotions rock.
I’m 62 and I’ve come of age.