Seth called at 3:52 am but I didn’t hear the phone.
I played the message this morning and he was crying. Sobbing really.
Through tears he said, “I’m alright Mom but I wanted to talk. A good friend of mine died. I don’t know what to say but I hoped you’d hear the phone.”
Oh, god. I hate to make this about me, because he’s the one that’s suffering. But for a moment, until he and I have a chance to talk, I want to make it about me. Let my pain for him slide out onto this page so, when we connect, I can be there for him and listen. Just listen. What answers are there? “This is life”. No kidding, and it’s the sucky part of life. A young person dying. Shouldn’t happen.
His pain was palpable. I am crying for him. You never want your child to feel pain. Never, ever. Damn. I wish we lived closer together (he’s in TX, I’m in VA) so I could hold him, cradle him in my arms until he drifts off to the healing power of sleep.
Bringing Back Memories
When I was slightly older than Seth (he’s 29), my boyfriend was killed in a car crash. He was on his way home from the hawk banding station, the same place we’d gone together to for the 3 Tuesdays prior his going alone.
I still remember the phone call, the unfortunate friend who had the job of informing me . The same guy who had been contacted to identify the body. I don’t know why I wasn’t called for that horrible job, Tom & I had lived together. But thankfully I wasn’t.
Denny didn’t want to be the one to inform me.
He didn’t want to hear the screams over the phone.
He didn’t want to be called back, with me asking “Are you sure it was him? Maybe you made a mistake.”
It was awful on so many levels.
Tom had donated his body to the Philadelphia Anatomical Society; I was his signature witness. So the body, my Tom, was whisked away immediately. His parents chose not to have a service. It was then that I learned why people have viewings and/or funerals.
It’s for closure (of a sort).
It’s so you believe that the other person is really dead.
It’s so you get to be with other people who are also filled with pain.
I kept seeing Tom in crowds after that. Suddenly he’d appear and I’d run to see him to talk to him, but of course, it wasn’t really him.
I started thinking maybe there is a place people go after death because I wanted to meet-up with him, be together again. I worried he’d remain the same age while I’d die at an older age and so we wouldn’t get together again. Weird what you think of. Well here I am at 62, alive and well. I don’t think he’d want me as his partner anymore because there’s such as age gap. But I know we’d still be friends. That we’d still be able to laugh together. My sense of humor and enjoyment of laughter hasn’t changed; his wouldn’t have either. I just know that.
Now
It sucks that my son is learning about death out-of-its-time.
But I’m so glad he’s alive to tell me about the loss of a friend. I’m glad it’s not a friend of Seth’s calling me to tell me Seth had died.
Selfish on my part. Such real and natural feelings. No one wants to have their child precede them in death. It.Should.Not.Happen.Ever.
I love you Seth. My prayers to you and your friend’s family.
I would love to get to know you! Join me on 
Cherry–
What a spot-on post about the perils of life…I was just reflecting on a TED video by a social work PhD (Brene Brown) who reminded us that we’re hard-wired to receive pain and deal with stress from birth.
I’m sorry for Seth’s friend’s untimely passing; not to mention her parents and loved ones. You are so right–no parent should precede her child in death. But good Lord, it happens every day.
Wow–and a shudder for the time I get this (likely) call in the future from the now 10 y/o…okay, deep breath. I’ll remind myself that it’s part of the tragic circle of life.
I’m so sorry you experienced Tom’s death.
Prayers to all.
Linda,
It is the Circle of Life and natural, yet feels so unnatural when the person who dies is young. It is so sad for the family and friends who have to go on without their loved one with them. Cherry
Hi Cherry – I love these COA posts. Very powerful stuff. I don;t know where to begin. So sorry to hear about your Tom passing at an untimely age. How you must wonder what your life would have been like with him. And we as Moms wish we could fix the world for our children. I wish that we could, too.
God’s blessings to you and your family.
Namaste, Kathy
Kathy,
The road not taken…what would life be like if we had chosen another road or not been forced through death to take the one we did.
Thanks for the blessings, Cherry
Oh, Cherry – sorry for you losing Tom (you were awfully young for something like that, too – as Seth is now) — and sorry for Seth and his friend’s family. Sigh.
Death is part of life (“the last part”, as Bob Newhart said in one of his shows that my kids and I re-watch every New Year’s Eve) – but ouch, such a hard part!
I’m loving your COA posts – glad you are here!
You show us again how to take pain and turn it into insight, realization, and strength. The ability to identify and support the pain of others often comes from tapping into our own. There’s the good. Time takes care of many things. Like Kathy, I think this COA posts are remarkable. Thanks, ~Dawn
Thank you for another powerful post using your own experiences to help your readers come to terms with pain. So sorry you had to loose a love one so early in life.
I feel for you not being able to be there for your son to share his pain. A much smaller episode happened to me when my 18 year old daughter moved away to go to college and she called me feeling sad and lonely. It was hard for me, however later the same day I called her to check and she was too busy being with her friends to talk to me. Letting adult children go and allow them to live their own life is one of the hardest things I have ever done.
I hope your son has close friends in TX.
Irene,
Granted your daughter didn’t have the same situation as Seth, my son, but having our children hurt and not being able to be with them is still difficult.
Fortunately he does have close friends in Austin and I hope they’re “holding each other up.” Cherry
What a heart-breaking situation Cherry. My heart goes out to you and your family.
No matter how well prepared we think we are to deal with loss, or to helps others deal with, it’s such a difficult thing to do. There’s never “just the right thing” to say. I am sorry for your loss in life, and for Seth’s loss. I wish you the best as you help him through it.
Thanks Dan, it is a heart-breaking situation. I appreciate your kind words. Cherry
This made me cry, Cherry. I’m glad you made this about you. Every mother on the planet can relate. Hugs to you and your son.
Thanks for the hugs Jen. It is a tearjerker. My son is doing the 10-12 hour drive to his friend’s hometown where the services will be held. He’ll be with friends and have the ritual of passage, I’m glad. Cherry
Cherry,
Thank you for sharing a part of yourself so honestly in this touching post. My thoughts are with you and your son. Having a courageous, wise, and loving mom to help him through the pain is a great resource for him. So sorry for your fiancee’s early death. Glad you had the courage to face the pain and acknowledge your feelings and, eventually, use your experience to help others. I’m sure it was a process. Warmly, Melanie
Melanie,
Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words. I’m glad that Seth chose, with friends, to make the 10 -12 hour trip to El Paso for the funeral services of their friend. When I wrote the post I didn’t know that Esme had been murdered, which makes her death even harder for Seth to process. I hope the ritual of the services, although painful, will help him and others. Cherry