Day 19 Coming of Age at 62 | Rejuvenating Your Hurt Parts

Walking this morning, I took the time to notice all the trees. Unadorned with their leaf finery, it was easy to see the damaged and scarred parts.

Someone had decided that some of the branches shouldn’t be so low to the ground, so they cut them down.

Other branches had been topped off because someone decided the tree was growing too tall or getting too big for its britches.

Another person had decided that the trees were putting themselves out there too much and had cut off the branches that dared to reach to the sidewalk.

Still others had been cut and pruned and shaped into what someone had decided was the look the tree should have.

<Sigh>

FlickR - by Nightstalker80

So many shoulds. So many ideas about how something someone should look, act, be.

One of my earliest recollections was being told as a kid that my neck was too long so I should wear either turtlenecks or a blouse with a collar. If I was going to wear something without a collar (heaven forbid a scoop neck) then I should wear a little scarf tied around my neck to break-up the length and give the illusion of a shorter neck. It wasn’t until after my mother died, when I was 38 years old, that I felt comfortable with a nude neck. (Amazing huh?)

Luckier than the trees, I am able to grow back a branch and look the way I want.

But how many emotional branches have we allowed to be cut off because someone else thought we were putting ourselves out there too much, or becoming too “tall” and powerful, or we just didn’t fit into their mold of how a person or woman should act.

How many scarred over parts do you have?

When are you going to say “No more” and rejuvenate some of the branches of yourself you hid so as not to get hurt again.

When are you going to stop listening to the person that’s coming at you with a verbal chain saw? Or better yet when will you tell them you don’t want them to be part of your life’s garden?

Why don’t  you start today?!

You don’t want to discover at 62, that some of those branches you pulled inside of you – believing with all your heart that that was the safest and smartest thing to do - are keeping you from reaching out and being your energized, beautiful and true self. You and I have unique gifts to bring to the world, no one else is exactly like us.

Step up, branch out, and be yourself.

 

Day 18 Coming of Age at 62 | Do you feel guilty when you change your mind?

I’m taking a high road strategy.

That expression is used in Harvard Review literature to talk about companies who invest heavily in human and social capital.

I’m investing in myself, in terms of courses and coaching and conferences. I’m also investing in companies by re-starting my business helping organizations increase their performance through responsible communication, collaborative and problem solving skills; as well as leadership skills that focus on trust as a means of motivation.

This means I’ve come full circle in my career. It’s a fascinating turn of events for me – I had been vocal, almost fist-poundingly so – that I was not going to EVER work with organizations again, something I’d done for decades.

Life Changes

My training and consulting business had been successful for two decades. I worked with businesses such as Martin Guitar, Mack Trucks/Volvo, Amazon, Hoechst-Roussel Pharmaceuticals Inc.; health care systems such as Lehigh Valley Health Network, St. Luke’s Health Network; school systems across the United States and Canada.

Initially my work was in the areas of communication, teams, supervisory and leadership skills. Over time it morphed into working with teams in the quality field and solving problems using a statistical problem solving methodology.  Then my work became almost exclusively 6 Sigma.

I was no longer happy in my business. I was working, continuously it seemed, with disgruntled employees who didn’t believe upper management was going to truly implement 6 Sigma. They didn’t want to be in class, nor work on projects. No fun for any of us.

Then my 86 year old father, who had still been working full-time, quit because he felt tired and couldn’t perform the way he wanted to. He had leukemia. I wanted to help him. For all intents and purposes I quit working. After he died, I did very little to rebuilt my business. At the time I didn’t want to work for corporations or any organizations again, except on a volunteer basis.

Coming of Age

Then I had a second coming of age moment, really many moments, at 62. I remembered: It’s OK to change my mind.

It wasn’t organizations I didn’t want to work with; it was 6 Sigma. It is OK, actually well beyond OK all the way to smart and exhilarating to do the work I enjoy: teaching and coaching in the so-called soft skills. It’s in that work, similar to the work I do with women, where I get in the flow, not noticing time, not groping for responses because the responses are just there,  sliding without effort out of my mouth.

I may be a MBTI introvert but I relish speaking in front of groups. It drains me (there’s the Introvert part) so afterwards I require alone time to recharge my battery. But other than that I’m ready to roll. Rock and roll with corporations, organizations, non-profits, associations, conferences and more. It’s an invigorating place to be.

Moving to Arlington, VA

Part of the reason I moved to Arlington was to shake up my life. Well it worked. It jarred me into clarity about what I want to do and who I want to be when I grow up.

I foresee two arms of my Borderless Thinking® business. One working with organizations, as I just mentioned; the other continuing to work with women related to their mindset and how they see themselves. Mentoring them to increase their confidence in order to have the courage to do what they want and be who they want. Hard to imagine a work life getting better than this.

Three things I (re) learned and want to share

1. Changing your mind is not a sign of weakness or some other negative label.

2. Viewpoints and external factors are constantly changing making re-evaluation important.

3. Old is not a negative term. Your age, at any age, is what you make of it. I’m making the most of this age. I feel so good and hope you do too, whatever age or stage of life you’re in.

What’s something you changed your mind about recently? How do you feel about it?

To chat more, join me on Twitter here or Facebook here.

PHOTO: AttributionNoncommercialNo Derivative Works Some rights reserved by pupski  on Flickr

 

 

Day whatever Coming Of Age- Being Sick Amidst Foreign Furniture

I’m miserable.

Curl-myself-into-a-fetal-position miserable.

I have no dreams and plans for the future except continual misery.

What Happened

Nothing happened, as in no one died. I didn’t lose a job. I didn’t get divorced. I had no fights.

What I do have is a cough. An irritating, perpetual, pain in the chest cough that’s been going on for over two weeks.

It’s worn me down. I can’t take a deep breath without rattles and gags and hacking. I’m oxygen deprived.

The last two nights were spend sitting up in a chair so I could get some rest. I’m sleep deprived.

Oxygen deprivation + sleep deprivation = Depression

Being depressed leads too (really life is just one big flow chart) wanting to be in my own home.

My own home in Bethlehem, PA is rented.

I’m living in a rental in Arlington, VA.

Today I’m definitely not happy about that.

I’ve thought of driving to Bethlehem and knocking on the new tenant’s door (my door!), explaining the situation and asking if they’d let me curl up there for a couple of days.

Somehow I don’t think it will work.

Hmmm… maybe I could stay in the garage. My sofa and love seat are stored there. I could take some blankets and curl up on a familiar piece of furniture, with smells of home. It already has my body imprint. Damn that sounds good.

Random Thoughts

I thought about my son Seth, when he broke his collar bone in a bicycle accident. Poor kid, it happened after his girlfriend of six years and he had broken up and he had moved out and was renting a room in someone’s house. Bet he wanted to go home too.

Penelope Trunk’s latest post is 7 Big Relocation Mistakes, she needs to add an 8th. Think about what you’ll do when you’re sick. Who will bring you chicken soup? If you’re going to go to a doctor, it’s going to be a new person and you have to get it approved by health insurance. I don’t want to do that when I’m healthy, much less when I’m sick.

When I’m feeling lousy with little energy, I don’t put things away. But clutter, especially in a small space, is demoralizing.

I don’t have a bathtub to drown myself in, or better yet, to soak in and while or wile away the hours.

I hate daytime TV. I wish there was a good come- from-behind sports movie to watch.

Next Steps

Writing helps even though I still feel like the flood gates behind my eyes are being pushed to their limits today.

So I showered. I’m dressed, even wearing a beautiful scarf  which makes me look good so I won’t get sickness pity, which is both good and bad.

I’m getting out of the apartment. I think it’s the only hope.

I’ll let you know how it was.

 

 

 

Day 15 Coming of Age at 62 | Two crazy-making things

Two things that make me want to rip my hair out, stomp my feet and yell “NO KIDDING”:

1. Articles and studies that make old news seem like a new discovery.

The information that set me off today was: “happy employees produce more than unhappy employees over the long term”. (Creating Sustainable Performance by Gretchen Spreitzer and Christine Porath in January-February 2012 Harvard Business Review.)

People didn’t know this before? You’re kidding me right? First, it seems inherently obvious to me. Second, I’ve been teaching this information to employers for over two decades. (As have many, many other people).

But the wind goes out of my sails as I suddenly remembered the number of leaders/managers in varying corporations who didn’t believe this information about employees then, so maybe there is a need for scientific study to prove the obvious.

Why do you think they didn’t believe this? Was it not true for them personally? Did these leaders/managers believe that they themselves were more productive with they were unhappy on the job or in life?

2. The belief that fear is the best motivator of people.

Well, it’s true that if you beat a horse, he will run faster – for awhile. “For a while” being the operative term.

In another HBR article (the theme of this month’s special double issue is The Value of Happiness) an interview with Daniel Gilbert, author of the 2006 best seller Stumbling On Happiness, the interviewer states that “many managers would say that contented people aren’t the most productive employees, so you want to keep people a little uncomfortable, maybe a little anxious, about their jobs. Gilbert responds: “There’s no data showing that anxious, fearful employees are more creative or productive.”

Yeah Gilbert!

When did the misguided notion that fear makes people more productive arise?  I know it’s not new.

Is it that people are short-term focused so they only pay attention to the fact that scared people, in the moment, jump higher than non-scared people and then mistakenly extrapolate to the long term from there?

You can see it in parenting too

I remember the mother of a friend of my older son. She believed that her son would behave worse and worse (by the way, this kid was basically good) unless she set down a lot of rules and harsh punishment. By harsh, in this case, I mean grounded for long periods of time and having virtually no privileges. Her proof? The kid was becoming sneaky and sneakier.

Of course, he was. When you have no privileges or rights, one way you get to do something you want is if you be sneaky about it.

Acceptance

Maybe my coming-of-age learning is that human patterns of belief are slow in changing; that each new generation needs to hear the same information, although packaged in a new way.

What are some of the things that you learned when you were younger but are being sold as new now?

 

Day 14 Coming of Age at 62 | Not accepting being sick

I’ve been sick for a few days.

Coughing, ripping my guts out hacking, off and on chills, eyes burning, fatigue and questioning myself as to whether I’m exaggerating what I’m feeling.

I guess I’ve still not come of age when it comes to getting sick.

“Come on Cherry, you can push through how you’re feeling and keep that meeting.”

“Just drink water at the restaurant every time you start to cough.”

“It’s probably allergies so you’re not contagious. (But what about the chills? The burning up feeling?)”

And my personal coup d’etat of reason and acceptance: “You’re not really sick. You’re making it up so you don’t have to fill in the blank.

The Genesis

I’m not sure of the genesis of not believing myself when it comes to being ill, but it’s been with me for as long as I can remember.

The other piece of the problem is how I interpret the mind-body connection.

After reading Dr. Bernie Siegel’s book Love Medicine and Miracles in the late 1980′s and Louise Hay’s work around the same time, I came to believe (at least when I’m not feeling well) that I have caused this illness. If I had my life totally together, I wouldn’t be sick.

That’s not what Siegel and Hay meant to imply by their work; it wasn’t about blaming the person who was sick for their illness. Rather it was to provide knowledge about the mind-body connection in illness, which then can inform your life and what self-enhancement work to do. (Thanks to Christa Gallopoulos for the phrase self-enhancement vs. self-improvement).

So now it’s time for me to do the work that I’d tell my clients to do on their  paradigms. <sigh>

Peeling away another layer of thinking that doesn’t serve me on my way to fully coming of age.

 

Graphic: Some rights reserved by belard

 

 

Day 13 Coming of Age at 62 | I have a dream. So can you.

I always wanted to be Martin Luther King, Jr.

He was a borderless thinker. A paradigm shifter.

picture from http://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/mlkihaveadream.htm

He was willing to think big. Dream big. Go against prevailing thinking. Fight for social justice. Be a voice for those who couldn’t speak for themselves.

And, I would bet, he articulated ideas and thoughts that many people couldn’t even conceive of.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.”

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.”

But it can be hard to dream big.

You might be afraid of  being embarrassed for some people laugh. “Yea right Cherry, you’re gonna be the next Martin Luther King, Jr.”

You might not believe in yourself.

So you stop saying your dream. Eventually you stop thinking it.

Then you start to agree with those who would keep you playing small.

You “accept” you were being:

  • silly
  • ridiculous
  • audacious
  • cocky

to think that you could be [fill in your dream]. In my case, Martin Luther King, Jr.

Dreaming. Visualizing Your Future

I gave up my dream. Actually, I gave up dreaming.

Today I know that was a mistake; but at the time, it made sense to me. It was a form of self-preservation, a way of taking care of myself.

But after awhile, the technique(s) I used to protect myself weren’t needed anymore. The “danger” was long gone but I was stuck in an unconscious repetition of behavior.

Fortunately, I became aware that my inability to dream big was a learned behavior. That awareness allowed me to change. So cool. So very, very cool.

Now, of course, I’m also coming of age so there’s no stopping me. No one can quash my dreams. Nadie mas.

I’ll be working with legions, upon legions, upon legions of women to become borderless thinkers, setting the stage for a shift of mindset that helps them also see a world of possibilities for themselves. With the belief in possibility, comes a willingness for action. With action, even the smallest of steps, comes confidence and the courage to take the next step.

I’m telling you, this getting older stuff has fabulous benefits.

If we’re not connected on FB, come on over and “friend” me here. I’m on Twitter here. I’d like to hear from you and make sure you hear about the launch dates of my upcoming courses.

 

 

 

 

 

Day 12 Coming of Age at 62 | Down with sensible undies

Rule breaking is still fun! 

Even if it only involves some paradigm shifting about age.

I bought my first-ever leopard print underpants recently.

I’m wearing them today while I work.

I’m liking it.

#thatisall

PS – a picture of them & me, perhaps, in the future. I haven’t come of age enough for that yet. Perhaps I never will. Time will tell,  I’ll be sure to let you know.

If you’re feeling like you want some help getting out of your ruts about what you “should” or “shouldn’t do”, give me a shout. Take advantage of my free get-unstuck Skype call. Sign up today.