I twirled her til we were both dizzy. Then she wrapped her arms and legs around me and hung tight. For a long time. We hadn’t seen each other in over two weeks.

Yep. Only two weeks but she had missed me madly. The feeling was mutual.

That’s me last year at the Red Rocks.

I am grandmother hear me roar.

I’m entrusted to help take care of America’s most valued commodity: one of its children. Yet most U.S. companies want to lay-off people my age.

I teach women how to negotiate and resolve conflicts. Yet I’m often dismissed by younger people as being too old to offer value to them or the businesses for which they work.

I climb around the Jungle Gym, play tag, pick up my 5 year old granddaughter and throw her in the air, do aerobic work-outs, take care of my home and more. Yet it’s believed by many that someone my age is too old to handle the rigors of the work place.

Frankly, I’m sick and tired of our aging-adverse, youth-oriented culture.

I am grandmother hear me roar.

In India there’s a University training program recruiting grandmothers to learn to build, install, repair and maintain solar lighting systems, bringing “light to a whopping 9,833 households in 16 Indian states. These elderly women were so successful at what they did that the United Nations began sending grandmothers from other developing countries to learn from the Indian grandmothers. Together, grandmother solar engineers have brought solar electricity to 45,000 households in 64 countries in the Middle East, Africa, South America and Asia”.

Whoo hoo! A recognition that older people can still learn. Can still teach others. Can still make a difference.

I am grandmother hear me roar.

I was a women’s rights activist and community organizer in the 1970′s. That was when I became familiar with the Gray Panthers, an organization founded by Maggie Kuhn in response to her forced retirement at age 65. That was long before my generation, the baby boomers, was thinking about retirement. But here we are at a retire-able age, living longer and in better health than prior generations.

I am, in effect, now a Gray Panther.

Like Maggie Kuhn, I don’t want to be forced to retire.

Like young people, I really don’t want to be forced to do anything.

Like many of my sister and brother baby boomers, I continue to be a risk taker. An innovator. A contributor. A value-add.

“Old age is not a disease–it is strength and survivorship, triumph over all kinds of vicissitudes and disappointments, trials and illnesses.” Maggie Kuhn

I am grandmother hear me roar.

I wrote this post as part of my friend Tara Mohr’s blogging campaign. Please check out the incredible posts written by other bloggers between May 7 – 14.

Sweet geezus. If this is happening on a significant scale, then everyone’s losing big:

Men –  who are missing opportunities to improve their communication practices AND aren’t developing their female subordinates

Women – who are missing growth producing insights AND missing the chance to build a stronger relationship with their male boss

Businesses – whose employees – both male and female – are losing opportunities to improve work relationships, quality of output and productivity.

In my last post I wrote about  3 costs to business when an employee doesn’t speak up. Not giving or getting feedback is a huge 4th cost to businesses of any size.

Anecdotal Evidence – Forbes

Kristi Hedges, a contributor to Forbes Woman, made an anecdotal case for why men don’t want to give feedback to women:

1. Some women cry and the men don’t know how to handle it so they avoid giving feedback for fear the tears may happen again.

I agree with Hedges this can be a tough one for a man. However, it provides a growth opportunity for both the manager or executive and his subordinate.  The manager can learn (a) how to deal with an employee who’s become emotional and (b) to develop a female employee regarding her view of feedback and how to accept it without crying.

Just because it’s difficult for the manager if a woman cries during feedback doesn’t mean he should stop giving her feedback.

Quite the opposite.

Believe me when I say, the female employee did not want to cry and is embarrassed that she did so. This is an area, albeit uncomfortable, when growth for both the employee and manager can occur.

Avoiding giving feedback to any woman because she might cry is an all around losing situation.

2. “Other times [women] ask for lengthy details or uncomfortably long explanations.”

When Hedges wrote this as a reason men gave for not wanting to give women feedback, I wanted to leap out of my chair and make a passionate rebuttal; but I knew that this too could make someone uncomfortable and as  ”good girls” women aren’t supposed to do that.  So to keep everyone comfortable I am staying in my chair and writing a response.

First, the obvious, what’s considered (or who determines) “lengthy” details or “uncomfortably long” explanations. The male managers who made this comment could inherently be ill at ease with giving feedback so any queries on an employee’s part are “too long”. Maybe he just prefers a dump-and-run approach to feedback.

Second, and more importantly, my experience over two decades as a consultant, is that the vast majority of people aren’t skilled in giving feedback. Too often feedback is generalized, making it difficult to truly understand and, therefore, change your behavior appropriately.

Questioning, asking for examples, and gaining clarity are important skills and an indication of an employee who wants to understand the feedback so she can change her behavior appropriately. My bet is the men who Hedges heard from on this one don’t know how to be more specific so, yes, they became uncomfortable with the questions.

That being said, Hedges made a valid point when she suggested “Know when to circle back, and when to let it go.” There is also no point in beating a dead horse if you can’t get the answers you need initially.

3. Some “men say they are simply scared to [give feedback to women], as the diversity police might come after them”.

This is a cop-out.

I agree our society has gone overboard with political correctness but that’s no reason to not give feedback. A manager, executive, whoever, should know the culture of his workplace. How valid is the concern about “diversity police”?  If “diversity police” abound, it’s time to look at the culture of your organization. What’s the root cause?

When a male leader provides feedback to a female subordinate, he should be able to figure out how to do it without setting off a 911 diversity call. For example:

~ Run your comments by someone in HR if you’re truly afraid of sexist charges.

~ Take a class or read literature on giving appropriate feedback.

~ Let the employee know you’re taping the feedback and she can have a copy and you will keep one to assure no future misunderstandings.

~ Reflect on whether there is equity between how you treat your male and female subordinates.

Fear is not a reason to eliminate employee feedback.

Advice to Women

I agree with Hedges’ suggestions to women: (a) Be pre-emptive and ask for feedback and (b) build your emotional resilience.

Why? Because people need feedback to improve.  It’s difficult to see yourself clearly. Let go of a need you may have to defend yourself or over-personalize what’s being said.

Good luck and I’d love feedback on what you thought of my post. Cherry

Laura (not real name) provided this comment as part of a discussion during my presentation The High Cost of Silence. The Emotional and Financial Price of Not Speaking Up For Yourself.

Of the group of women I was speaking to, Laura was the only one who had ever asked for a raise.

The implications for the women are obvious, but less obvious is the cost to the organization of valued employees not speaking up.

Cost to Organizations

1. Employee turnover

When capable professional women learn they’re being paid less than their male counterparts, they become disgruntled employees. An expensive side-effect of their dissatisfaction is women will leave to take positions in other organizations. Hiring and training their replacement, particularly for a management job, is time-consuming and costly.

So when a job candidate with high skills and long term potential is at the hiring threshold and s/he doesn’t negotiate with you on the salary offer you know is below what her colleagues are receiving what do you do? 

• Jump up and down because you saved some money in your salary budget?

• Think to yourself, “Hey this is how the system works” or recognize that initial salary negotiation is only one aspect of a larger system that needs to change. A system set up to increase employee retention and loyalty (vs. get the lowest bid possible without attention to the consequences) has higher long term savings because the new hire knows you are committed to her success, which translates into a greater commitment to the organization’s success. If you’re ready to be innovative and forward thinking, you could hire her at the salary offered and as part of her development you have her attend classes in negotiation, which will benefit the organization and her as she works, e.g.,with overseas suppliers. Then 6 months into the job, bring her in for a review and provide her with the opportunity to practice her newly learned skills and re-negotiate her salary. 

 2. Loss of ideas and a diversity of thinking

Overall women think differently than men, which brings a different perspective to business problems. When women are hesitant to speak up in a meeting or take their ideas to colleagues or bosses, a wealth of opportunities are lost.

Grooming women in a stronger communication style that includes practice in speaking up and standing their ground is a win-win for all concerned.

3. Conflict comes out side-ways, negatively impacting cooperation and productivity

My experience as a consultant for over two decades has taught me that most people are conflict-avoidant, particularly women. When you’re resistance to directly confront a problem within your department, like a boil, the issue festers and poisons the work environment. The ripple effects include information-hoarding; a reduction in productivity; and increased absenteeism.

Teaching women (and men) to speak up and deal directly and respectfully to resolve conflict is paramount to a healthy work environment, collaboration and bottom line success.

What are your experiences when people don’t speak up to advocate for themselves: in salary negotiations; in meetings; during conflicts?

I hate it because it’s damn impossible to find a size 38 A bra. Bra designers mistakenly believe that if your circumference is bigger than a 34 or 36 than your cup size has to be bigger than an A.

After sinking into a cauldron of pique, frustration, and hopelessness figuring I’d never own a bra that fit again, I vented my frustration to my husband.

Me: “I can’t believe it. There are no bras that fit women with small breasts. Everywhere I looked there were bras with formed cups for breasts larger than mine. Even when I found an A cup, there were hardly any 36′s, much less 38′s.”

Him: “Your breasts are fine. They’re the perfect size.”

Now that may sound very sweet (and it was intended to be) but I wasn’t complaining about my breast size. I was complaining about not finding bras to fit my jubilant little juju beans.

Fast Forward

Later that day I talked with my daughter-in-law who also has small breasts. I’m on a repeat tirade about my bra shopping experience when my son walked in the room. When he heard me ask his wife “What do you do? Where do you find bras?”, he protectively put his arm around her and said, “Her breasts are perfect.”

Again, not the point.I’m complaining about the dearth of bras that properly fit small breasts, NOT complaining about small breasts.

Two men. Two similar responses. Not enough for a research study but telling none the less.

They put a value judgment on the word “small”, at least as it relates to breasts. They jumped right in to assure their wives that small breasts were OK. Their responses stem from the sentiments of our culture, which reveres large breasts. (“When King Arthur premiered in 2004, Keira Knightley was shocked to see parts of her body, two in particular, on the movie poster that she did not recognize. Her normally boyish physique had been airbrushed to showcase much larger and more bountiful breasts, telling a US magazine ‘those things certainly weren’t mine.’”  via www.do something.org)

Words Are Just Words

These episodes  stoked my thinking about how people ascribe value to words.

Small (at least related to breasts) = bad

Large = good

Short = bad

Tall = good

Fat = bad

Thin = good

And they’re just the tip of the iceberg.

My behavior was impacted for years and years because of the judgments and values I believed were part & parcel of the following words:

Opinionated = bad

Compliant = good

Passionate in meetings = bad

Passionate in bed = good

Emotions = bad

In fact, emotions are thought of as particularly heinous, especially in the work setting. When a man is emotional he’s seen as weak. When a woman is emotional she’s dismissed.

However, none of these words: small, large, short, tall, fat, thin, opinionated, compliant, passionate or emotional contain within their definitions value judgments. People ascribe a value to these (and other words) based on their culture and life experiences.

Well, I’m emotional and passionate and opinionated and have a hard time being compliant. For years, I berated myself for who I was am and tried to hold those parts of me in check. Doing so took its toll. I agonized over what people thought of me and how I “should” behave. It’s hard keeping the lid on a pot that’s been boiling for years. Sound familiar anyone?

Being opinionated just means you have opinions. Quite normal I’d say.

Emotions are human and real, not negative. In fact, your emotions are what make me want to connect with you.

I’m happily passionate about helping other women be unapologetically themselves. I want you to believe in your self worth – to claim your own voice, your own feelings, and your own ideas. I want you and your daughters, your granddaughters, your nieces, your sisters, your moms and your friends to accept that words are just words, not a value statement about who you are or who you “should” be.

For the next 24 hours do a reality check about any negative feelings you’re having about your self. What’s driving them? Are they really true? Are they based on other people’s expectations of you? What words are you hearing as negative or positive? Let me know the results, I’m interested. Cherry

PS – Look for my soon-to-be-announced workshop on the High Cost of Silence: The Emotional and Financial Costs of Not Speaking Up

PPS – Any recommendations for where I can buy a 38A bra?

If you’re similar to many women, it’s been a long time.

My Experience

When I wrote my e-book, there was a section highlighting how I came to the point of helping women get unstuck and gain the courage to be unapologetically themselves.

To claim their voice.

To accept, no, embrace, who they are.

Yet someone had to point out to me at the time that I wasn’t claiming all that I was, nor the totality of my story.

Shar’, a good friend, and the author of Storyworks: How Stories Can Advance Your Business, Cause and Career told me how strong I was for:

Raising two sons who were 6 months old and 2 years old after my husband left our marriage in a flurry of lies and wiped out our bank accounts. Because I was determined not to go back to a grueling full time corporate job and leave them in daycare, I pieced together a part time business of free lance writing. After a few years, when my kids were in school I started my own consulting and training business (still part time but now it involved traveling) in leadership, communication and process improvement.

To accomplish all that, I claimed my own voice; spoke up for myself; and proclaimed how good my work was so I could earn enough money be the type of mom I wanted to be to me sons. Shar’ said my doing that was powerful and an inspirations to others.

I said “Huh?”

In my mind I was just doing what I “had” to do. I had made up my mind – no way in hell my sons were losing both their parents.

My choice wasn’t always easy, the lack of a steady paycheck was scary, but I took what I did for granted. I dismissed my accomplishments because I was the one who had done them, therefore they couldn’t be a big deal.

Geez, I was hard on myself.

I now know, I was also caught up in what Brene Brown sees as “the cultural messaging that says that an ordinary life is a meaningless life.” I wasn’t a rock star, president of a corporation, famous in any way. My life was ordinary so not to be given a second thought.

How Extraordinarily Ordinary Is Your Life?

photo from www.eatingdisorderselfhelp.com

Today I continue to lead an ordinary life. One that is successful by what I want out of life.

I’m still in business and now work primarily with women, fulfilling a passion of mine.

I moved to be near my only grandchild and help out when I can.

I’m in a knitting group with wonderful women.

I could go on with a list of things I do that others might consider mundane. I don’t care. I’m enjoying myself. I am not a drain on society. I am kind, good and love others. That’s what I need to focus on and be grateful for. I can learn from my mistakes, just not beat myself up for them.

I am worthy. My life is worthy. So is yours. No matter how ordinary it may appear.

Ordinary is the new extraordinary.

I enjoy listening to the shows of Kojo Nnamdi, Diane Rehm, Terry Gross and more. They stimulate my brain. I keep up with what’s going on in the world. I hear different points of view. But…

I miss the every-part-of-my-being stimulation and curative powers of music.

(from http://thisbirdflies.wordpress.com)

With music I sing along. (Typically loudly.) I’m increasing my oxygen intake, which then increases my focus and mental clarity.

I can feel my endorphins standing up, coming to full alert, and diving into my blood stream for a swim, creating waves of well-being.

I also tap my hand on the steering wheel and move my body when music is playing, avoiding sitting-in-one-position stiffness.

My mind is fully engaged, no wandering off and thinking about what I need to do or what I didn’t do, or even what I’m looking forward to. I am in the present.

This is what I need to remember when my energy is low or my mood down in the dumps.

Music, in the car, office or home is a mood booster and brain-fog buster.

Choose to play your favorite songs when you’re in a creative or mood slump. It switches things up, literally, and can save you from getting down on yourself in challenging times and undermining your confidence.

Personal Feel Better Recommendations

One of my favorites, which I decided to listen to while finishing this post, is Bon Jovi’s It’s My Life. My foot’s tapping, a smile broke out on my face, and I pumped my fist in the air within nano seconds of the song pulsing in my ears. Who cares if I’m at Barnes and Noble.

Someone I discovered this week in a clip on Hulu was Sarah Simmons’ rendition of One Of Us on The Voice. It’s incredible.

Two of my friends recommend Beyonce’s I Was Here from the United Nations World Humanitarian Day performance. The music and visuals can’t help but touch you.

What are your mood changing music recommendations? I think all my readers will enjoy hearing them.

I was shoving hard to get it to move.

(from Gary Larson, Far Side.com)

Then I lightened up and with that, the door flew open.

Life always offers lessons if we pay attention.

I sighed as I thought of myself as the door. The innumerable times in my life when I pushed hard against my natural inclinations and remained stuck. I’d be impatient and irritable as I pushed and shoved to fit my round self into a square hole.

I tried to fit into  other people’s ideas of the way I “should” be living my life or doing my job or running my business.

I’d be tense, have knots in my stomach and what felt like a stick in my throat as I held back on giving my direct, uncandy-coated thoughts. I’m naturally opinionated, strong willed, loud, smart, passionate and emotional.

When did I (and you) stop being natural and true to myself and my gifts differing?

Was it when I was told I was loud and I should be quieter?

Was it when someone who had the trappings of success, derisively told me I wore my heart on my sleeve?

Was it when my parents told me I wasn’t “capable” of moving across the country for a new job offer because I was too emotional to handle the stress without them?

What were the limiting messages you believed?

Was it when you were told you weren’t smart enough in math to be in the regular class, much less an honors class? So you started to avoid any work that had math as part of it.

Or maybe, like my brother,  your guidance counselor told you weren’t capable of college prep work and should be taken out of that high school curriculum. Fortunately for him our mom disagreed and she pulled him out of that school. He struggled for awhile and ultimately came to believe in himself again. He went on to college and a PhD. in psychology from Penn.

People try to shape you based on their own autobiography.

I’m thinking about this because I’m going through a rough patch.

A patch where I, again, absorbed what other people told me to do rather than simply listening and picking and choosing the parts that work for me. Even at my age, I fell back into trying to fit my round self into other people’s recommended square hole.

It set me back, this action of not being true to myself; of not listening primarily to my own counsel rather than the counsel of others.  I forgot to separate the wheat from the chaff when it comes to others’ advice or direction and that’s inevitably when I end up  with a sh*t load of self recrimination.

Thankfully, my garage door reminded me: Go gentle with yourself, Cherry. Don’t push against what your gut is telling you. The doors to what  you want will open for you when you’re being authentic and true to yourself.

Are you being true to yourself?

What are the shoulds that are keeping you stuck?

I know I don’t have much experience in this but…

This may sound stupid but….

I haven’t really thought this through but…

I probably shouldn’t be saying this but…

Be strong; be bold and say what you think without discrediting it or minimizing it before you even start.

Your ideas are valid.

Your opinions are real.

Don’t let fear hold you back from stating strongly what you believe in.

It’s you being authentic.

It’s you being you.

Dear god, it’s you people want to get to know. The real unvarnished you.

Disclaimers don’t “protect” you

If you think that your pre-statement disclaimer keeps someone from getting mad at your words, you’re wrong.

People are going to respond to you from their point of view, from their history no matter how you preface your opinion.

So shout it out. Say what you believe without preface, without disclaimer, without apology.

Start today. It’s the best love letter you can give yourself.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Today she continues to be the single grandmother to 12 year old Lee who was deprived of oxygen while his mother bled out, resulting in cerebral palsy.

Her leadership skills include:

• successfully coordinating a cadre of physical therapists

• managing lawyers and the legal system over a period of 12 years

• continuously communicating requests, demands, feedback to the school system, caretakers and many more

• handling conflicts with the father of her grandson, who is also the man who tried to murder both her daughter and baby (his son)

• negotiating payments for all of her medical and legal bills

• navigating the complex intricacies of health insurance

• believing in forgiveness and people learning from their mistakes

She has the skills research studies say are needed as a leader for the 21st Century.

My bet is so do you.

Don’t compare your story with hers. It’s not relevant if hers is worse or better than yours.

The point is you each have your unique set of life circumstances, challenges and losses.

Situations that push you out of your comfort zone such as negotiating for a better class room situation. Or support for your child. Or being an advocate for your spouse or parent when they became ill.

You spoke up. You stood firm. You advocated for what you believe it when it came to a member of your family or a good friend.

Now do it with your work. With your boss. With your customers. With your colleagues.

The world needs more women leaders. Not just in the family but in your work.

As many women do, you find leading and taking on the tough conversations harder at work than at home. Let’s talk about that. I want to help. Let’s look at strategies for you in a mini-Leadership Breakthrough Session.

I have 5 half hour slots available this week. We’ll:

• Get clear on the issues you want to take a stand for in 2013
• Identify obstacles that are preventing you from speaking up and stepping into the next level of influence and career advancement you desire
• Talk about the next steps to take to gain the confidence to make your vision a reality

Below are the available dates and times. Let me know via email – cherry@borderlessthinking.com – which time works for you.

Tuesday, February 5th 2:30 pm EST (USA)

Wednesday, February 6th 5:00 pm EST (USA)

Wednesday, February 6th 6:00 pm EST (USA)

Thursday, February 7th 10:00 am EST (USA)

Thursday, February 7th 11:00 am EST (USA)

Looking forward to chatting, Cherry

Neuropsychiatrist Dr. Louann Brizendine discovered that women are neurologically designed to connect. She said in the NYT’s best seller The Female Brain, that from the time women are babies you:

• Value relationships more than almost anything else.
• Can interpret social cues and alter your behavior depending on the reaction from people around us.

Connecting at the Wealthy Goddess Retreat

Then the survey

I conducted a survey to inform the content of the elite Birthing Your Leadership Influence Mastermind Program and asked “What is your biggest frustration as a leader in your organization?”

The majority of respondees answered: Handling conflict.

A reason handling conflict is difficult for women is, as the research noted above said, you “value relationships more than anything else.”

More than:

• Pushing back when told your raise will only be miniscule even though you just landed another huge new client for your company.
• Standing your ground on how you want to be treated during board meetings.
• Negotiating what role you take in the next large project.

Next, the truth

1. Building relationships does not exclude having conflicts. In fact, relationships can be enhanced with good, healthy airing of conflicts.

2. Your ability to build relationships is a strength in handling conflict.

3.Conflict is not a 4 letter word – it’s an 8 letter word and doesn’t need to be negative or avoided.

4.You can actively engage in conflict and still be nice.

5. Pushing for what you want does not a bitch make. Standing up for yourself is part of self-care and building a strong relationship with your authentic self.

6.When you adeptly engage in conflict and stand up for what you believe in, you are viewed with more respect, which in turn makes your connection with people stronger.

Finally, what you can do

Listen to my interviews with 3 experts who reveal how to:

• unblock limiting beliefs that keep you from going for the salary you deserve
• maintain your focus through healthy eating
• the power of using stories to persuade and sell your ideas

What you discover in these interviews will rock your thinking about how you can have your cake and eat it too OR how you can have what YOU want and your relationships too.

Gain access here to the interviews on January 9, 16 and 23. This is a great way to kick off 2013.

Use your feminine energy and ability to build relationships to redefine what it means to have a conflict in the workplace. Conflict can be a forum for growth, expansion of ideas, and clarity.
Cherry

PS  “Peace is not the absence of conflict but the presence of creative alternatives for responding to conflict — alternatives to passive or aggressive responses, alternatives to violence.”
-Dorothy Thompson